I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She's the barista slut.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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