Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
