he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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