i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
