True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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