I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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