I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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