i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
