woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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