I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I wish you could order shots online.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
