i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
