I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
