If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
