Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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