I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Randomize
