just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
