you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just invented taco cereal.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
