HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
