I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
