i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
