Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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