Need sex. Gaining weight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
