i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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