You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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