Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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