So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
That accounts for only three of the penises
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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