Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
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