You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
