I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
