I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
