i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
