Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
