I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
