So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
