also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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