I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So vagazzling was a success
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
