tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
