I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
