When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
