I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
