I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
