I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
