ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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