I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
