My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
