Please, let me fuck your mom
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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