I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
farters have to be the big spoon...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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