never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
