I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
