Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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