the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
