And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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